Making AA a Stronger Community

[Shadow]

In the short amount of time that I have been registered here on AA, I've seen (and participated in) many threads which have started out as a question or comment and have turned into flame wars and personal fights, typically consisting of demeaning and immature replies and equally inconsiderate defensiveness.  While it is quite easy to hide behind a computer screen and make snide remarks for internet fame, there's a deeper problem that I think we should attempt to nip in the bud here on AA.  If we intend to have a positive, friendly and strong airsoft community in the state of Arizona, we need to try and change ourselves to the core.  I don't mean that we all need to become best friends and sing kumbaya around a campfire, but we at least need to be considerate of one another; newbie and veteran alike.  I've thrown together my thoughts with things I've learned through very difficult circumstances and trials in the last couple years and thought I would share them with you folks here.  If I'm being preachy, so be it.

Who ARE you?

On the surface, humans differ widely. In our behavior—our "doings"—we display immense variety.  But below the surface the world is different.  At the level of who we "are" (our being) there are two ways only.

THE RESPONSIVE WAY

One way of being is to see others as they are: as people.  Seeing them as people, I am responsive to their reality; their concerns, their hopes, their needs, their fears.  Others are as real to me as I am to myself.  Seeing others truly, I am true.

THE RESISTIVE WAY

The other way is to see people as objects.  Seeing them as objects, I am resistant to their reality. If I see others at all, they are less than I am—less relevant, less important, less real.  Seeing people as less than they are, I am deceived about their reality.  Seeing others falsely, I am false.

DEEPER THAN BEHAVIOR

A common misunderstanding:
Being "responsive," my behavior is "soft"; being "resistant," my behavior is hard.

The truth:
Being "responsive" I see others as people; being "resistant" I see others as objects.  This distinction is deeper than behavior.

Consider the following:  Complimenting others, for example, might be considered "soft," and correcting others "hard."  But I can compliment or correct another because it will help them or I can compliment or correct another because it will help me.  One way I am seeing a person—I am being responsive.  The other way I am seeing an object—I am being resistant.  I can compliment or correct in either way.  Likewise with almost any behavior there are two ways to say "Yes," two ways to say "No," two ways to smile, two ways to frown, two ways to discipline, two ways to reward.  Almost any behavior can be done in either way.

INFLUENCE

But consider how different two apparently identical behaviors can be:

Seeing me as a person, someone compliments me.
Seeing me as an object, someone compliments me.

Do the compliments feel the same to me?  Or consider how different it feels to be corrected by someone who sees me as a person as compared to someone who sees me as an object.  Whatever I "do" on the surface, people respond to who I am being when I am doing it.  Way of being determines influence.

THE POINT of CHOICE

As a person, I know what it means to be a person. I have a sense of what people need.  For example, I see a person in need, and feel the need to help.  My responsiveness to others’ needs is my deepest sense of what is right.  I can resist this responsiveness toward others’ needs.  If I do, I betray my deepest sense of what is right.  Betray my deepest sense of what is right and I betray myself.

SELF-JUSTIFICATION

Betray myself and I do wrong. Do wrong and I seek to be justified. I begin seeing a world that makes the wrong seem right.

Example: My child cries in the middle of the night, and I feel the need to get up and tend to her before my spouse wakes up. But I don't.
I now say:  "I got up last time." "My spouse is not as busy as I am." "My spouse is probably feigning sleep."

Another example: I obtain information that would help a coworker and feel I should share it. But I don't.  I now say: "This person doesn't help me."  "This person is too dependent on others already."  "I worked hard for this information."

The people I felt to help now seem blameworthy.  I feel justified in not helping.  But did they seem blameworthy when I felt to help?  Why do they seem blameworthy now?  Betray myself and I seek to be justified by blaming others. I become resistant to them.

In self-betrayal I seize upon others’ imperfections; I magnify them.  How profitable I find others' faults when I need to justify my own.

PEOPLE OR OBJECTS

So betray myself, and people to help become objects of blame.  Instead of people with their own lives, I now see others as obstacles in mine, or as vehicles to be used for my purposes, or as irrelevancies that offer me no advantage.

Consider when I felt the need to get up and tend the baby before my spouse woke up.  Was my spouse a person or an object to me?  And how was I seeing a coworker when I felt I should share the information I had obtained?

THE QUESTION

Every moment offers the choice of two ways:  Will I be responsive to others and see them as people, or resistant to others and see them as objects?

My life consists of moments with others:

My spouse needs my help.
My child needs attention.
My sister needs an apology.
My friend needs a listening ear.
My neighbor needs a helping hand.
My employer needs my commitment.
My coworker needs my assistance.
My assistant needs an encouraging word.

The people in my life, regardless of who they are or where they came from; have I done right by them?  What would they say my choice has been?

The quality of my life will depend on that choice, and so will my experiences and friendships in this forum.